


not in the stars

by cazei



Series: mcu by cazei [7]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: BAMF Michelle Jones, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gay Peter Parker, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Has A Heart, no infinity war spoilers, this got angsty in the second chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2019-04-29 18:44:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14478867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cazei/pseuds/cazei
Summary: it is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.william shakespeare-in which peter realizes hes gay, and comes out to the three people hes most scared of telling: ned, may, and tony.





	1. exposition

**Author's Note:**

> **HEY THIS IS READEATSLEEPREPEAT I CHANGED MY NAME**

 it is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.

william shakespeare

* * *

 

When he was born, he was the smallest in the hospital.

 

He learned to walk three months earlier than the average baby.

 

When he was in preschool, he was the first one to know the alphabet in full.

 

Even from the day he was born, Peter Parker was different. It wasn’t always a bad thing; standing out is what makes us individuals.

 

Then, his parents died when he was six, and he moved to his aunt and uncle’s apartment in Queens, and he stuck out even more. He switched from his private school to the public elementary school. He was the only orphan in the first grade. What an achievement.

 

In eighth grade, his Uncle Ben entered one of his lab reports into a scholarship competition, and he was offered free tuition at Midtown Science and Tech High School.

 

Ben died at the end of his Freshman year there, and Peter once again stuck out. The only one to lose a father figure twice.

 

And, _oh boy_ , don’t even get him started on the whole Spider-Man, Germany, Vulture, Tony Stark thing. At this point, he shouldn’t even try to fit in, right?

  


He’s in Chemistry, trying to finish the third quarter of his Sophomore year without a huge slip in grades. He may be different, but he still wants to go to college with the rest of his grade.

 

Peter tries to copy the rapid-fire notes that his teacher is spewing, but at some point you just have to give up. Mole Ratios aren’t _that_ important right?

 

So, when MJ texts him and Ned, it’s not like he’s missing much when he pulls out his phone.

 

* * *

 

_CHAT: error 404 will to live not found_

_MEMBERS: peter, mj, ned_

 

_mj: are either of u actually paying attention to this_

 

_ned: no_

 

_peter: no_

 

_mj: ah yes the prestigious midtown students, always hard at work_

 

_ned: … yes always uh huh_

_ned: its friday are we doing anything this weekend_

 

_peter: we should go see that solo movie after school_

 

_ned: yEs yes yes_

_ned: han solo my one true bae_

* * *

A snort from across the room brings Peter’s attention to MJ, who is in the seat closest to the door. She glances back, shaking her head slowly. When Peter looks at Ned, he looks unabashed.

 

Ms. Holly looks up. “Michelle, are we paying attention?”

 

MJ tilts her head slowly. “Yes, of course.”

 

“Then what is the answer to the third example?”

 

Michelle doesn’t even need five seconds to scan the paper before she says, “One to three to seven.”

 

Ms. Holly looks surprised. “Oh. Yes. Nicely done.”

* * *

_CHAT: error 404 will to live not found_

_MEMBERS: peter, mj, ned_

 

_ned: holy shit_

 

_peter:  did you balance the equation in ur head_

 

_mj: what… like its hard?_

 

_peter: im literally dropping out_

* * *

After class, they meet up just outside the classroom by Peter’s locker.

 

“So, about the movie,” MJ says. Both boys turn to her. “I can’t go. Sorry, I need to prep for the next decathlon and GSA meeting.”

 

Ned nods, but Peter looks downcast. MJ looks at him meaningfully.

 

Ned says, “Do you mind if Peter and I go?”

 

MJ smiles and tilts her head. “Not at all. Have fun, boys.”

 

Peter feels his heart clench, and he glares at MJ when Ned can’t see. “Thanks, Michelle.”

 

His best friend looks at him, concerned. But, then the final bell rings, and Ned drags him by the arm to the doors.

* * *

_CHAT: spiderboi is a sadboi_

_MEMBERS: mj, peter_

 

_mj: tell him_

 

_peter: i cant!!!_

 

_mj: petey_

_mj: my boy_

_mj: by all means, u dont have to_

_mj: but hes not gonna hate u bc u think ur gay_

 

_peter: hes a DUDE_

_peter: i like DUDES_

 

_mj: yes that is what gay means_

 

_peter: or what if hes mad i didnt tell him as soon as i found out_

 

_mj: you only found out like two months ago??_

 

_peter: STILL_

_peter: what if he HATES me then he tells his mom who will tell nay and then everyone knows_

 

_mj: are you really scared of what may will do?? she seemed pretty chill when i met her_

 

_peter: when tf did u meet may?_

 

_mj: oh when i found out u were spiderboy and the whole toomes thing was going on_

_mj: ned was concerned, so we went to ur apartment, but u were not there_

 

_peter: ah yes i was in a helicopter_

_peter: it was really dangerous and scary lets talk about that_

 

_mj: DEFLECTION_

_mj: answer the question parker_

 

_peter: idk what shed do_

_peter: i already feel like such a burden_

_peter: she didnt ask for a kid. and then she and ben got me_

_peter: and now ben is gone, and shes stuck with me_

_peter: and then. whoopdeedoo, im spiderman, and shes gotta worry about that_

_peter: and me being_

_peter: gay_

_peter: thats a lot of shit to deal with_

_peter: what if she kicks me out_

 

_mj: shes not gonna kick u out, peter_

_mj: she loves you_

_mj: you are not a burden, peter_

 

_peter: idk mj_

_peter: idk_

* * *

Ned leans over to look at his phone, and Peter clicks it off.

 

“Just MJ,” Peter says. Ned nods as the subway reaches their stop, and he helps Peter to his feet with one hand.

 

“Are… Are you okay, man?” Ned says. “You’ve been quiet.”

 

As if on cue, Peter yawns and pulls his bag onto his shoulders. “Long night. Two muggings.”

 

Ned’s eyes widen. “Oh, wow. What happened?”

  
Peter indulges him, and starts a rather dramatic retelling of last nights patrol. He ignores the way the Ned’s eyes lighten at all the right moments, and the concern in his voice when Peter mentions the near-gunshots.

 

He’s fucked.

 

* * *

_CHAT: spiderboi is a sadboi_

_MEMBERS: mj, peter_

 

_mj: have fun on ur date_

 

_peter: WHAT_

 

_mj: luv u !_

 

* * *

 

 


	2. ned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter comes out to ned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY READ END NOTES 
> 
> ALSO-- DEPRESSION? ANGST? TRIGGER WARNING???
> 
> theres a huge possibility that none of this makes sense, mostly bc i googled an imbd solo cast list for literally all of the star wars references, its 10.30pm and im usualy asleep by 8, and i just drank two full cups of water and thats uh

Peter’s knee bounces up and down. His shoelaces are making quiet scratching noises as they rub against his other pant legs. Throughout the theatre, other small noises cloud his hearing. He never could focus in theaters before, what made him think he could now? His senses are, quite literally, dialed to eleven, and he can barely focus on his own breathing let alone a two hour movie.

 

So, instead, he bounces his leg and makes a piercing noise that is excruciating, but is probably just the faint sound of plastic on denim. Hopefully.

 

“ _Dude_ ,” Ned exclaims halfway through the movie, grabbing Peter’s arm. “Joonas Suotamo is the only Chewbacca I stan”.

 

Peter tries to snort, tries not to think, ‘ _I know you’re not homophobic, but will you really feel comfortable touching my arm like this after I tell you’_. He tries, really.

 

It’s not necessarily his fault he has intrusive thoughts, it's just the fact that the 125mg dose of Zoloft he’s been on since he started high school is no longer enough. He metabolizes it in about an hour now, and his anxiety has been unbearable.

 

His leg bounces faster.  


* * *

 

 

Ned is talking a mile a minute on the walk back to his apartment.

 

“Oh, and did you see that part on Corellia where Qi’ra -- Peter?”

 

His head shoots up. “What?”

 

Ned’s head tilts. “Are you okay? Earlier… MJ was hinting at something? And, I don’t know, she’s MJ, but then you were acting weird at the theatre.”

 

Peter has no response other than an awkward shrug. His limbs feel like cement.

 

“I just -- ” Peter starts to say. And, damn, his eyes water. What the fuck, emotions?

 

“Peter,” Ned says sadly. “What happened?”

 

Peter opens his mouth, the words are on his tongue. He’s thinking it, he’s gonna say it, _he’s gay._

 

“I’m -- ”

 

An older woman who looks like the definition of power businesswomen brushes between them, talking angrily on her phone and shooting them an annoyed glare.

 

Ned glares right back at her, grabbing Peter’s arm almost protectively.

 

“Goddamn capitalists,” He mutters. Peter laughs, but it’s a wet, sad noise.

 

When Peter doesn’t move to finish what he started to say, Ned takes pity on him.

 

“Let’s talk at my house,” He says.

 

 _Great_ , Peter thinks. _Alone, just the two of us. Perfect._

 

He fucking hates his luck sometimes.

 

* * *

  
Ned’s mom, Emily Leeds, greets them with a smile and lemonade, before giving them both a kiss on the cheek so she can head to the grocery store.

 

It’s like he’s in the part of a fairy tale just before it all goes to shit, and you learn the life lesson to tell your kids about. The one to avoid. That’s his life; the dregs.

 

Ned drags him slightly by the sleeve to his room, and together they sit on the floor. Ned pulls a Coca-Cola Cherry two liter from beneath his bed, and they both take two drinks straight from the bottle before Ned breaks the stiff silence.

 

“Is it… Ben?” Ned asks timidly.

 

Peter shrugs. He knows he’s going to spill his guts out for all the wrong reasons. “I don’t - I don’t know. It’s just -- after the… The bite, it’s everything. Ben is gone, May is working twelve hour shifts. Nothing is the same and I - ” Peter takes a deep breath. His posture shudders. Suddenly, he’s crying. He was fine this morning, and now because of him liking dudes instead of girls, on top of a million other things, he’s balling his eyes out on the floor of his friends bedroom.

 

Ned immediately moves to sit right at his side, instead of across from him. They aren’t touching, per say, but he’s definitely a lot closer than he was before.

 

“Talk to May about it… If she knows you need her at home, she'll be there.”

 

Peter shakes his head, and he remembers that he’s an ugly crier. He just wants to go home to his cold, empty apartment and crawl under the covers and preferably never leave.

 

“Exactly!” Peter says. “ _Fuck_ , it’s hard to explain. I’m such a burden on her! Her and Ben never asked for me, and now Ben is gone and she has sole custody, and no one else _wants me,_ Ned. My parents are gone, Ben is gone. I have _no one_ . And -- and, with Ben gone, we have _nothing_. She needs the twelve hour shifts, because I can barely get by at Midtown with the full ride scholarship. It doesn’t cover the books, or the supplies, or the transportation. And she gives this to me without a second thought! I can’t keep doing this to her!”

 

Ned throws one arm around Peter’s shoulder, and Peter turns so his head is against Ned’s chest. “Doing what?”

 

“Making things worse,” Peter says, his voice much quieter than before. “First, I was a kid she didn’t ask for. Then, I was a _superhero_ … And _now?_ ”

 

“Now what?” Ned asks.

 

He just says it.

 

“I’m _gay_ , Ned.”

 

There’s a moment of silence.

 

“Peter,” Ned says.

 

Peter freezes. He tries to move himself away from Ned without making it too obvious.

 

“I’m pretty sure the Spider-Man thing is going to be more of an issue,” Ned says, trying to lighten the mood.

 

And Peter starts bawling.

 

What feels like and hour later, but is actually probably ten minutes, Peter catches his breath. He’s hiccupping, and trying to regain moisture in his throat. Ned is holding the box of tissues like a lifeline, and they’re both sitting on his bed now.

 

“First,” Ned says. “I just want you to know that, like, I’m one hundred percent here for you, then and now. You being gay changes literally nothing. MJ is literally the embodiment of Pinterest lesbian."

 

Peter shrugs. "I - I'm not MJ."

 

"No," Ned says. "You're Peter, my best friend, and I'm your guy in the chair."

 

Peter just nods. He can't think of much else to do. His unexpected meltdown is still running his emotions. 

 

"Second... Peter, I'm  _ scared _ . You've never -- You haven't broken down like this in years, and... Did Spider-Man bring this on?"

 

_ Yes. And Toomes. And Liz. And nearly drowning, being shot, and then being suffocated under a roof. _

 

Peter just shrugs again. "My... My prescription, remember?"

 

"You're still on it, though?" Ned asks, confused. 

"

After the bite, my metabolism is five times as fast as it was."

 

"It doesn't work anymore?" Ned asks, and Peter nods. The former thinks about it. "If you won't tell May, tell Tony. He's got superhero connections. I mean, Bruce? Bruce can make a Spider-Boi strength Xanax."

 

Peter rubs his eyes. They probably look as red as his suit. 

 

"I don't think he knows I'm on them in the first place... He barely knows about Ben, and how I got the bite."

 

Ned exhales. "Okay. Here's the plan. We're going to go watch all of the Star Wars movies, because you're sad, which makes me sad, which means that we can bond over how fucking  _ awful  _ Jaw Jar Binks is. It'll make our lives better by comparison," This makes Peter laugh. "Then, tomorrow, you get dinner with May after school.  _ Talk to her  _ about this. She's not going to care if you're gay, Peter. She loves you."

 

"MJ said the same thing," Peter says. 

 

"And MJ is literally incapable of having a filter," Ned says. Peter supposes she has a point. " _ Until then _ ," Ned continues. "Jar Jar Binks."

 

* * *

 

Emily Leeds returns from grocery shopping (read: getting Starbucks with her friends, going to Fairway, and then going to Yoga for an hour) to a dark apartment. She nearly turns on the light, but she stops when she hears breathing in the living room, directly adjacent from the kitchen she stands in. 

 

She leans in, and sees two boys sprawled on the couch. Peter, the one she sees first, is snoring so loud that he nearly drowns out the end credits of the TV. Ned, her son, is on the brink of sleep, but he still waves lazily. "Peter's gonna spen' the night," He says, "It's too late to move". His head rolls to the other side of the arm rest. 

 

Emily glances at her watch. It's 7:38 P.M. Time for some Chardonnay!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck i say im gonna post and then i dont 
> 
> im sorry i just -- this took me way too long, and if you cant tell, i projected the fuck out of this 
> 
>  
> 
> anyhow the next one hopefully wont be as angsty? but peters canoncially on zoloft in this story and hes having a meltdown, which i RELATE, so thats not gonna happen

**Author's Note:**

> plz comment what u think! if yall like it, ch2 will be ned, 3 is may, and 4 is tony!
> 
> tumblr: @cazei


End file.
